Joureny.....From then till now

As she sat gazing out at the snow she thought to herself what was her life becoming? It was going in a direction she had not imagined but her path was set and she would follow it through. He had walked into her life a year ago on December 21, 2008 and it had never been the same since. Upon looking into those brown eyes and seeing that smile she knew her life would be changed forever. The year of 2009 was not an easy one for her, there were a few times when she thought about ending it all, but did not. She was pushed hard that year and found strength in herself that she did not know she had. She found out about some problems she had fought with all of her life but never knew what the cause was, she fell in love and did not know if he felt the same, and she fought for her sanity.

Going to school pushed her to her limit. It took her down to the bottom once again and made her feel as if she would never be smart enough or good enough to do this. Finally the right person let her know what was wrong. She was diagnosed with ADHD and a lot of things made sense. All of her life she had problems learning and people called her lazy and said she just did not try hard enough. That was not true. Trust me, she tried; yet always seemed to fail. They put her on medicine that helped her at first but they ended up overdosing her and she had to go off of it. Now she is scared to go back on it for fear of it happening again, but she tries to recognize when she starts to obsess and get frustrated and change her thoughts.

During this time her heart was being torn in half. The love she felt for him was great. She wanted nothing more than to know he loved her back and wanted her as much as she wanted him. At that time it was not to be, but during that time she learned that for someone to love her she must love herself first. She taught herself to be more confident and allowed herself to be happy for the first time in a very long time. Towards the end of the year things started to get better. She would be starting a new training program at the first of the year and had hopes for the future.

Around the middle of January she was finally going to go down to his house for their belated Christmas exchange. She had resigned herself that this was to be goodbye and that he would never return the love she felt for him. Going down there her heart ached but she knew what she had to do. Upon her arrival down there seeing him again after such a time apart made her ache to be held in those arms. Putting on a smile like nothing was wrong she went in with a smile and exchanged gifts with him and his children. The children; unbeknownst to her had wormed their way into her heart too and that night felt so right with the 4 of them sitting there laughing and talking. Opening her gift from him almost made her cry. It was a beautiful leather journal with a rose on the front. He knew what writing meant to her and with that knowledge he got her the perfect gift.

After the boys left she got up and got a drink, for she needed the liquid courage that night not to tell him how she felt and that this was going to be goodbye. After a couple of drinks she felt restless and started to pace. The pacing led to her walking circle and a building up of this energy that is hard to describe. At one point she walked over to him and was like feel this; putting her hand up to his and letting him feel the energy coming out of her. He told her to go get his ring out of the kitchen and when she got it he put it on and they intertwined hands, her right and his left……ring to ring. The energy felt so right, yet she said nothing and started pacing again. After that he got up and they were talking and he finally said those three words she had waited so long to hear……..I Love You. She knew not what to say because she had resigned herself to never hearing them. Her heart screamed YES, her mind held back and did not believe that he meant it. It felt like a dream and she was terrified of waking up only to find out it was not real. They talked much more that night and he asked her for two months. At the end of March he wanted her answer to his question. His question was this: After the two months if you still think you can put up with me I want you to live with me but I do not want the answer until then. I want you to think about this and get to know me more before you decide. She knew in her heart right then that she wanted to be there but as the next couple of weeks went on she realized that he was right. She did need to learn him more and think long and hard before she decided if she was willing to commit to him and his children and move down there. He has many scars and demons; more than she realized but she is learning them and thinks that he is slowly allowing her in. She knows not to push him, for if she does all the work to get to this point will be lost.

One thing she does not understand though is why he doubts her love for him. Her heart aches for him when they are apart and her soul cries to be held when they are together. She knows he loves her but cannot help but want for more, but in time she has hope that he will be able to give her his all. In the meantime she takes all that he will give and cherishes those moments in her heart and mind. Even in those times when they say nothing just being around him and looking into those brown eyes lets her know she is loved, or a smile from him lets her know. In her heart, mind, and soul she knows he will always love her………now she just prays that one day he will know the same thing about her love for him in his heart, mind, and soul. She knows not how this story will end but knows that she will be thinking long and hard this next month and a half and enjoying the time she has with the man she loves and will hopefully grow old with one day.

Gazing away from the snow she goes and looks at herself in the mirror and stares back at the reflection of the woman she has become over the past year and smiles, for she likes this woman, and knows that this woman is still growing ; becoming stronger with time and cannot wait to see how this adventure plays out.