What lies beneath.......

As I sit here and think of what to write I remember and try to think of the last time I was truly happy. You know what? I cannot remember a time that I was. I have become so jaded and hurt that I cannot look back and remember what it was like to laugh and just be carefree. Those days are long gone for me and I cry knowing that they will never come back. I am mostly to blame for how I am now, I have let the wrong people in my life most all of it and in one way or another I have let them hurt me. Even after they have hurt me repeatedly I still kept them....thinking that they will change or that I can change them. The only person that needs to change is me. I need to do a spring cleaning of sorts and get rid of those who bring me nothing but heartache and misery, but how do you do that when the heart and the mind are at war? My mind knows that they will cause me nothing but hurt and pain but the heart fights saying that it loves them and will not let go. I am at war with myself and as the battle wages on I only loose more and more of myself.........even when the victor prevails in this....a part of me will still be lost.